I’ve been looking for a blog of this sort in an attempt to cope with my life. Everyone’s story is unique and I think that it is what has made it so hard for me to fight the loneliness in my life. Even though my brothers lost the same people as I; my experience and relationship with my parents was completely different to theirs and I find it difficult to make a connection with their loss. I should probably answer the question you’re thinking. My mum died when I was 8 (12 years ago now) from leukemia and my dad committed suicide three years later (he was bi-polar and an alcoholic). Two years after dad died (I was 14 at the time) I left my home town to go to boarding school. I have such a beautiful family, and am very lucky to have grandparents that would do anything for me to get where I want in life. Problem is, I have been suffering from an ongoing depression that continues to surface and disable my pursuit of happiness.

I look at my brothers, my aunt (my mothers only sibling – and best friend), my cousins and my grandparents and can’t help but notice their progress in life. Yes, they would have their days of struggle but it doesn’t seem to inhibit their drive to succeed in whatever they pursue. For many years (my worst years, dealing with my own attempted suicide) my grandmother always said “you’re alive and you’re here so we’re already succeeding”, but as I continue my journey into adulthood “surviving” doesn’t seem to be enough for me any more. I have been alone since mum died, when I needed dad he wasn’t there. He wasn’t mentally capable of being there.

No one has ever been able to fill the void they left behind. I can’t help but feel that my heart was broken too may times to count and as I was so young I didn’t have the mental capacity to understand and heal. Now, as an adult almost 12 years since mum died and 8 years since dad; I still dream they’re alive and it was all a big “hoax”, I know I have never accepted their deaths and as much as it pains me to say it but forgiving my father has proven to be a difficult task. If anyone can relate to my situation and my struggles, I’d like to hear from you

Caitlin Maloney, maloneycaitlin@hotmail.com