My dear friend showed me a music video this morning that was surprisingly so sad it radiated images of my parents dying. It was so unexpected that I couldn’t recover from watching the video. The feelings of grief took over me and, as present as I can / try to be, I just felt this deep sadness and loss inside that I tried to will away with the pleasures of company.

I thought eating breakfast would make me feel better. Then I thought playing on my computer would help me feel better. The grief was so deep it was felt by my company, even though I tried to hide it. I realized I had turned off a bit. After our friend left, I went upstairs and worked on painting a bit. Something I haven’t done in a while… I was painting in black. Something I only do when I’m feeling some deep-ass loss. I started to like what I was seeing and it was making the energy of my grief move to the canvas. I was starting to feel like the blockage was being released… but then there was still some residue; painting wasn’t the only thing that was going to get me through today. So, I decided to go for a run. A jog. Exercise. Movement. Releasing energy. Whatever you want to call it, I did it.

Yesterday, we ran a 5K for Pancreatic cancer. The first 5k of my life. I ran anyway today, despite any potential muscle aches or “I already did that yesterday-s”. I have a great mix that I put on for the gym that motivates me. Some Lady Gaga Lady GaGa. Some Katy Perry Katy Perry. Some Ke$ha Ke$ha. I got out and I ran. And when I wanted to walk, I walked. And when I wanted to dance in the street, I danced in the street. I came back to the house, 20ish minutes later and my mood had totally shifted. Go free drugs from the body!