Post-mother’s day, I seem to still be riding the waves. To be totally and utterly honest, over time there are certain holidays during the year that continue to have this painful energy field and this just one is the absolute worst for me. I just find myself trying very hard to get through the day but with all the self-mothering tools and resources I’ve learned and created over the years, nothing really takes the pain away from not having the direct human connection and love from my mother.
I have to continue to remind myself that I have been doing mother’s day prep work for a reason; so we can all get through the day easier or get back on our feet quicker. I’m willing to try as hard as I can to move through all this organically and as real as I can. I am willing to dive in and do the work because even though the emotional pain can be extreme, the reality is if you actually go through and feel it, and sometimes it’s utter hell, you release and move through the painful energy and come out on the other side.
I left visiting with friends a little earlier than I had hoped tonight because I felt like I had this deep need to take care of myself. Part of me wanted to stay and continue on, but at the same time there was a pull for me to drive home in the dark listening to Keane (my favorite song is Black Rain from last year’s new album, Strangeland is waiting for you below. I like to listen to this very loud in the speakers of my Kia Soul).
The last several years I’ve kind of floated along, trying to figure out how I was going to spend my mother’s day. Two years ago, Catherine and I were pretty clear that for father’s day, we were going to Six Flags Great Adventure and were going to have a damn good time doing it. Screaming and laughing, riding roller coasters… Why hadn’t I planned or prepped anything with extremely fun written into the mix this mother’s day? This is something that I have learned as of this evening that absolutely has to happen for me next year.
Yesterday I spent the rest of the day at Catherine’s mom’s house. It was a good to be there, but there were actually hours and hours of the day I was not focused on anything; no distractions but nothing creative in front of me to play with…which left me brewing in my own thoughts and sometimes those little suckers will really get the best of you. I started to think about all the people that get to have their moms, regardless of if their relationships with their moms are weak or strong… they still exist.
Funny SNL skit with Kristin Wiig; a reminder that perhaps mother’s day for some is not so blissful:
There are some people who still have their moms that do find the day pleasant and I wish so badly I could find that little nook, like butter in an English muffin… Mother’s day to me is more like dry, white bread toast. I need to find me a good English muffin recipe… this recipe is still being tweaked.
One thing that did work for me this year? Going through my own personal steps 1 (got guilt?) and 2 (making space). I decided to release my mom and I of some generational things in which neither of us had the tools or resources to resolve during her time here. There is now some new space and I’m realizing it’s probably why I am feeling the grief so deeply… Things pop up to the surface when you work through them, but there is deeeeep healing that comes from going through the shit. I’m pretty sure this emotional and spiritual work is going to help me to grow even faster… kind of like a backyard dandelion!
What’s one thing that worked for you this year? How did you decide to change the day to make it better for yourself? More palatable? Enjoyable? What would you do differently next year?